So... It's that time of year again, the biting Scandinavian Winter is closing in rapidly, which makes it just too little fun to be sliding around on the black-ice covered, stormy backroads of Denmark, so it's time to put the demon to sleep for a couple of months, which, as always, is a bit of a wrench....
And, strangely enough, it feels the same each year, when we geographically-indesposed unfortunates located high in the lowlands of the Northern hemisphere have to go 'cold turkey' until the sun starts shining again, ( - you guys in Canada know what I'm talking about - ) but I try to look at it as an opportunity (!?!) like, "now there's time to get it back in the workshop", or "can plan next year's bike trips", or..... BOLLOCKS!
So anyway, this year I'm taking NO chances as regards security... it's bolted to the floor with 5 (five) different Tungsten-bolt locks, (one is alarmed), in an airtight vacuum chamber with a pressure sensitive floor, laser triggered alarm system, with moisture, pressure and bodyheat sensors, aerial bear traps, swinging spiked tree-stumps, and CS-gas canisters hooked up to the ventilation system, for good measure......... there's also an overly-proportioned Vodka-soaked Russian man with a big dead fish for slapping with..... (a Russian Slapper?) .....
On the Titanium armoured vault door to the 'bunker', is a voice-activated multi-directional deadbolt, with a dual-retinal-scan-combined-with-fingerprint recognition system for simultaneous scanning of both my retina, while alternating individual scans of 4 different fingers on each of my 3 (three) hands (otherwise, the alarms go off)....
Surrounding this impenetrable structure, is a top-of-the-range-not-off-the-shelf-but-out-of-the-box CCTV surveilance system with SAT uplink to Interpol, CIA and NASA, consisting of 12 (twelve) discreet yet highly-sensitive night-vision cameras... this is six of them...
.....connected to the panzer-glass searchlights and 4 (four) motion tracking 50mm Gattling cannons (the motorway cleaners, off the front of the bike), which are fed from underground magazines....
As if this wasn't enough of a deterrant, (which you'd imagine it would be), I have a great shot lined up through a 50-Cal M-107 LRSR from a concealed and elevated position 30 meters away, so look, I really can't miss....
And, just so that it can't be said that I'm taking any unnecessary chances, the reserve weapon of choice is the HELLCAT, a brutal, savage, vicious, fierce cold killing machine...
But he really only comes into his element AFTER we've tranquilized and dragged the thief down to the cellar, where we slowly tear strips off skin off with a blunt instrument, scrubbing the surface occasionally with onions and vinegar :)All that's left now, is to have myself encased in Carbonite until February, but I'm REALLY not looking forward to hibernation sickness :)
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